Thoughts and Such

We're currently on our way to Nashville for an appointment that has been a long time coming.  Today is the day I finally get my new leg.

It's quite the emotional day for me, and this week has been a roller coaster of emotions.  I've been waiting so long for this day that I'm worried about disappointing myself.

I've had thoughts and dreams about this day. I've pictured putting the leg on and walking immediately, not having any learning curve with my new leg.

I've also been feeling broken. Everything is so difficult.  Just rolling over in bed takes an effort it never has before.  Before my accident I had achieved a point where I felt confident, I felt like I could do anything. Honestly, I felt invincible.

At the same time though, I had no idea what direction life was leading me in.  I was set to graduate next month, and I had no idea what was going to come next. All I had was a hope that it would work out. 

A wrench was definitely thrown in my plans. I had a plan for at least the next few months, but God had a different plan for me.

My pastor and I have been doing a study on suffering.  I still don't know why this happened to me, and I probably never will.  The comforting fact in all of this though is that there is a why, there is a reason for all that has happened.  It's still hard, it's still difficult to deal with and quite overwhelming at times. That will still take a lot of work, but maybe today will be a step in the right direction.  Maybe today I'll start to feel whole again, maybe I won't feel quite so broken.

I still hold no anger towards anyone. There's no reason for that. I made peace on that front easily early on.  I'm battling inner demons now.  I feel like today will be a turning point in the battle.